Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Little lesson in desperation.

Is it just me, or could that title be a song title? It's sort of rhyme-y.

The past couple of days aren't ones that I'd choose to repeat. Without going into detail, let's just say there was a great deal of sudden anxiety involved. And a fair amount of desperation. Which, ironically, is the reason I'm able to say that I'm oddly thankful...now that I'm on the other side of the fear, of course. (I'm definitely not good at the whole perspective-in-the-moment thing. Ask my husband.)

Early this morning, as I was in the middle of one of those prayers that I'd totally think would be annoying to God if I were Him (good thing I'm not), He gave me a little moment of clarity. In that moment, I was clinging to God with everything, and I found myself asking forgiveness for the fact that I often wait to come with that kind of abandon until I'm at the end of my rope. Forgive me, I thought, for only seeking You this hard when I'm truly desperate.

Here's what hit me, though. It's the times when I'm not feeling the desperation that I'm really the most in need. If the definition of desperate is "having an urgent need", I'm always there. Always. I need Him every minute of every day. I just spend most days not recognizing the desperation. Which really makes me even more needy, because I'm trying to lean on my own strength, wisdom, and direction. And that, my friends, is pretty ugly desperation.

I felt Him whisper to me this morning, "Right now you see it clearly. That's the first step. Can you look for it every day? Remember that you need me?"

And I responded, "Yes, Lord. I'm on it. And I'll also tell the blog world."

I'm assuming He chuckled and said, "Ok, you do that..."

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